Nocturne #5 – So… What it’s mean?
This is my personal revolution. A fight against that inner voice that constantly whispers to me that my thoughts are ridiculous. It is a public act by which I assert that I have the right to exist — with my chaos, fears, and most vulnerable sides. It is a letter to the future "me" and, at the same time, a mirror for everyone who has ever fought with themselves.
So, what is my “Nocturne”?
At first glance, it’s just a collection of words I type on a keyboard before sleep, with an already exhausted mind. But in reality, it’s much more than that. This is my personal, uncompromising space. It’s digital graffiti I leave on the wall of my chaotic mind. It’s an open-house day in my inner world, where anyone can enter, but only those who are ready to see their own reflection in this chaos will stay.
I don’t write these texts for others. I don’t wait for likes, nor do I count comments. All of this has one, most sincere and, at the same time, most brutal reader — the Future Me. The one who, years from now, will look back at these writings and probably have a good laugh at my current thoughts, fears, and dramas. And that’s a good thing. It means I’ve grown.
So why do I do this publicly? Why don’t I just keep it in a private journal?
Because this is my battle. This is a direct act of defiance against my inner critic, that “asocial me” who constantly whispers that I’m a loser, that my every thought, my every trace in this world, is “cringe” and laughable. It tries to convince me that it’s better to be silent because nobody needs what I have to say.
And that’s why, every time I hit the “Publish” button, I am confronting that inner censor. This is my little revolution. This is the moment when I tell myself:
“You asshole, shut the hell up! Keep your complexes and fears to yourself! I have the right to exist. I have the right to think, to feel, and to say it all out loud, even if no one is listening to this voice.”
This is my way of fighting imposter syndrome. It’s an act through which I prove that my thoughts are real and deserve to exist.
So, these Nocturnes are my most liberated form of self-expression. There are no rules here, no editor, no right or wrong. Here, it’s just me — with my best and my most wretched sides.
And if someone reads this and recognizes themselves, that’s great. If not, it still remains as a trace of my existence — archaeological material for the “Future Me,” who, during these excavations, will hopefully understand what path I walked to become who he will be.