Nocturne #40 – RealFuckingFinal.docx
Why expose these raw, often contradictory thoughts? Not for applause, maybe not even for answers. Perhaps writing publicly is just resisting the unbearable silence of being alone with oneself. A flawed mirror held up, hoping someone else sees their reflection too
I looked back through the old nocturnes. And it really made me think – this is, I guess, metamorphosis. Some kind of transformation. It’s as if different people wrote them, as if I lived in different worlds, was a different person. But I’m not really different. I’m still me, the Zura who was simply writing then and continues to write now.
It’s strange how many layers I have. How many times I’ve changed, how many times I’ve broken into pieces and reassembled myself. I gave this current some freedom, and now everything just flows out of me. So many nocturnes, so many thoughts, so many evenings tapping fingers on the keyboard – waiting to search for and discover something. But what?
I can’t find it… I can’t find it, and I often laugh hard at my own idiotic quirks. Like when you look in the mirror and suddenly don’t recognize yourself. “Who the hell am I?” – my alter ego sometimes asks, and I have no answer. It’s like looking at myself with different eyes and not finding that old “me” that got left behind somewhere. And wherever it was left, let it stay there! I killed that loser.
Okay, why do I write these public diary-style monologues? I write because this is how I exist. I write publicly because being alone with myself is sometimes unbearable, and words are a bridge – a bridge from me to the world, from me to the unknown reader, from me to myself. This is neither a thirst for attention nor a search for solace. It’s more like looking in a mirror, but this mirror doesn’t belong only to me – someone else might see their reflection in it too. Perhaps this is my voice in the void, proof of my existence. And if someone, somewhere, in a strange moment, finds their own thoughts surfacing in my words – it means I’m not alone in these feelings.
I have people I can talk to about this. Friends who listen, understand me, and I don’t feel alone. But this form, this monologue-like, seemingly one-sided conversation, turned out to be somehow comfortable for me. To tell the truth, I often laugh, joke, and banter about the nocturnes with friends together. And yes, I like it; we have a good time. It’s good that the discussion of my public “confessions” doesn’t go beyond humor. Here, in this space, I can just write and leave the words – sometimes funny, sometimes sad, sometimes stupid – but it’s good that I managed to do it.
I think a little about… Have I grown up? Gotten old? Gotten tired? Given up? No! Quite the opposite. I feel more intensely, I talk to myself more, I listen more to those voices bustling inside me, advising: “Zura, stop thinking, man, just be”. But how easy it is to say that and how hard it is to live like that… Ooooh, it’s very hard…
In my old nocturnes, there’s a lot of sadness, a lot of melancholy, many questions that still haven’t found answers. But at the same time, there’s truth in them – my truth. However, truth sometimes changes. Today I think a little differently: Yes, I’m still searching, but I think I’ve accepted that I’ll never fully find it. Yes, I still have disappointments, but now I know they are part of some path. Yes, I still don’t know who I am, what I’m doing, but that doesn’t bother me as much anymore. I am me, and whatever I do, I try to enjoy the process.
Exactly, after so many “nocturnes,” I think I’ve realized: the journey is what matters most, and time matters most. And the most important thing – is love! There is no single answer, no definite truth, no single goal after reaching which I’ll say – “I did it, it’s finished”. It’s just life, and it should be as it is – sometimes absurd, sometimes inspiring, sometimes a locked room, sometimes boundless cosmos and adventures.
So, I’m still writing. And I probably always will. These nocturnes are just hanging out the laundry on my balcony (without the underwear).
Finally, I want to add one thing – Zurab, if during the next review you again think that you don’t know who you are or what you want, know this – it’s okay! This is your life, enjoy it and savor it. Accept it as it is. If you don’t like it – get up and change it! Good luck, you born-on-an-unlucky-day ⭐
And remember: life is sometimes like this file: “final_version_v2_revised_LastFinal_REALFinal_RealFuckingFinal.docx” But open it anyway and edit it again!