Nocturne #23 – Ted’s turning 2
This is about the overwhelming shock and profound love I felt becoming a father to Ted. It reflects on how his birth completely transformed me, replacing initial fear with immense joy as I watched him grow. It's my raw account of this life-changing experience and a deeply personal message to my son.
It’s been almost two years since I became a father, and for almost two years, I’ve felt like I’m living in a dream. Ted’s birth fundamentally changed my life. It was my metamorphosis, my refinement, my path to wisdom. It feels as though I’ve become a better person, grown, and been renewed.
Tamy and I decided right from the start to live independently. I remember how scared we were those first few weeks, realizing that this was a new chapter in life, filled with immense responsibilities and challenges. The most emotionally charged day was the first one when we brought him home. It was a psychological shock and an emotional drama! A complete transformation, a radical change in our way of life.
When Tamy was pregnant, I couldn’t wait for Ted to finally emerge from the womb. And then, I came face to face with reality… Turns out, he wasn’t the toy doll we’d been watching with delight on the ultrasound screen every couple of weeks. He is a complete human being, in all his magnificence and beauty! With all his fragility, helplessness, individuality, and right to life! This tiny being is the one to whom I must dedicate the next 18 years of my life. No, really, that day I truly felt powerless and terrified… I didn’t think I could handle it…
For the first month, I was almost paralyzed. I couldn’t work, couldn’t go anywhere. I sat with Tedi like a mother hen, just watching, watching his every move, and a hundred thousand emotions washed over me all at once. Back then, fear overshadowed the love I felt for him. Then the fear began to subside, and the love grew astronomically.
Days, weeks, months go by, and we witness his first smile, his first laugh, his first steps, his first words. I don’t know if there’s any greater happiness anywhere. I no longer have the words to convey the emotions I feel now. Every word feels inadequate and meaningless to express my sincerity. I don’t know… what can I say… Thank you to whatever it is, the Creator or something, that grants me the privilege of existing in this dimension. Maybe I was a good guy in a past life.
Just now, I was looking at his photo, and suddenly I peek into the room, I see him sleeping sweetly, real! Tucked into his bed, and I calm down, I’m convinced that this photo isn’t a projection, isn’t just a photo from the internet. He really exists!
Dad’s note. Ted, if you’re reading this years from now, know that you can laugh at me like a real friend, joke with me, or come and hug me (and then laugh at me). In any case, I’m sure that you are, and always will be, the best person in my life…