Nocturne #45 – The Sweet Endorphin of “Click!”
The sweetest childhood endorphin wasn't candy; it was the 'Click!' of a light switch after darkness. A self-made moment of euphoria, controlling fate in a world of power rations. Does that intense joy of controlled anticipation still echo in unexpected places today?
What is anticipation? Sometimes it’s just passing the time, sometimes it’s waiting filled with anxiety. But there’s a kind of anticipation where you wait with your whole being. So intensely, so reverently, that the waiting itself brings you happiness. You know that, just “Click!” and it will light up. It’s precisely this “Click!” that has followed me since childhood, like one of the sweetest endorphins.
In childhood, when electricity was supplied to us daily in rations, perhaps this circumstance made me love reading books. I still remember the smell of those old, worn-out books. When the lights were out, I sometimes read by the flickering candlelight; how many nights I spent like that until dawn. Most of all, I loved that moment of excitement when I pressed the switch and the light bulb came on. Eh… how little I needed for happiness… Probability theory probably intensified this emotion. The room would suddenly brighten, light would flood the walls and, it seemed, my soul too. It was euphoria that has stayed with me to this day.
Somehow, when the power went out, I would turn off all electrical appliances. Not a single indicator light should be connected to the power source. I did this so that instead of the sudden, disruptive effect of the light returning, interfering with my daily routine, the control would be in my hands – the light switch, like my personal control panel. When I got tired of reading by candlelight or natural light, I would enthusiastically go to the switch and “Click!”. This was my time management, satisfying my own impatience, and, somehow, self-expression too. Pressing the button, I thought that fate itself dictated whether I should continue reading in a cozy mood or spend time with something electronic, disassembling and reassembling tape recorders or something similar. If the power was back, then I’d have a chance to play “Nintendo” or compose melodies on my father’s phone – continue what I mostly did anyway, but with the TV on and a more active rhythm of life.
Of course, there were many “Clicks!” that ended in disappointment – “Nothing.” Darkness again. But what could be done? I’d figure something out, entertain myself somehow. That darkness was interesting in its own way too, giving more scope to imagination.
I still love anticipating things today just as much as I did back then. I love waiting for new software updates to download, watching those percentages slowly fill up, and anticipating when I’ll try out the new features, when I’ll improve my creations. I love paying with one “Click” in stores (also, irrelevantly: I love seeing the numbers on my loan decrease) . I love waiting for my salary during those last, tense days.
I love turning off notifications and sound on Messenger, so that later, at the end of the day, or just unexpectedly, upon opening the app, I discover messages from my favorite friends. This too is my personal, created “Click!” – a small novelty, bolded names and surnames, the sight of which brings joy to my eyes.
Perhaps, in these moments of anticipation, there’s something very human. Something that connects us to time, hope, and those invisible threads that give meaning to our lives.
“Click” – I pressed the “Save” button with the left mouse button and posted – this is my latest “Click”.