Aubade #7 – 100% of the Brain
They say humans only use 10% of their brain. I think that’s a lie. At least for me. I, for example, am sure I use at least 90%… especially when I go to the store.
Situation: It’s evening, 1 AM. There’s no bread at home. Mission: Go to a market somewhere and buy one loaf of bread. Simple, right? No!
Here’s how my brain works at that moment:
20% – Navigation and Physics: Calculates the exact trajectory from the house to the store door, considering wind direction, asphalt irregularities, and the probability of running into an acquaintance and having to talk.
30% – Marketing Analysis: Analyzes the bread shelf. Which bread is the most optimal? “Ipkli”? “Shmipkli”? Sliced or unsliced? Maybe “Rye”? A quantum analysis of nutritional value, price, and expiration date begins.
20% – Social Anxiety Management: “Do I know that cashier? Does my beard look normal? Is my gut showing too much?” Simultaneously, it processes 15 different “small talk” scenarios, just in case someone talks to me in line.
20% – Suddenly, I heard a terrible, chaotic roar from outside. I strained my mind, startled. Right there, across from the store, a big van is speeding down the highway with about 12 guys lying in the back, singing—or whatever they were doing, it was everything but singing. But then I focused my mind, “spent” my last percentages (I was near the checkout, after all), and analyzed what they were singing: “Ooooooh Georgian breeeeeeze — UIMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE” at the top of their lungs! Yes, exactly, they added that “Uimeeeeeeeee” just like in that legendary video. All my stress vanished, first I smiled, then… I don’t know, I almost burst out laughing. I got the whole store—cashiers, consultants, and customers—to laugh with me. We had a good chuckle.
And so, there I am, with my brain at 90% capacity, walking to the cashier, putting the bread on the counter… and I remember that everything I have physical or virtual money on, I left at home. I simply forgot.
So, yeah. I believe we use a large part of our brain. We just waste most of it on completely pointless things. And maybe that’s the whole charm of being human – being a “cosmic supercomputer” that sometimes can’t even manage to buy bread.
Anyway, in the end, some kind person bought me that doomed loaf of bread, and I will keep this piece of bread forever as a symbol of this magical moment, and I will name it “Uimeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.”
Nocturne Update: Forgive me, Uimeeeee. I really didn’t want to eat you, I was just so hungry. You know how much I love cold milk and bread late at night…