Nocturne #16 – What the Hell do I Want?
"What the hell do I want?". This is the thought of wanting everything, the dream of giving Time the middle finger, and about reminding my procrastinating self of that bitter but fair advice: that between desire and action, what's needed is to "get your ass up".
Yeah… I am a catastrophically curious person, interested in everything, always and everywhere. A person who is always researching, always learning, and despite being absolutely exhausted, never stops.
We’ve pretty much figured out who I am, but this identity isn’t validated by my profession or my physical state. I am a wandering ghost. I love watching from the outside, from the wings.
Okay…
Now, what the hell do I really want?
I want everything! And this “everything” implies everything! And when I want it, in most cases, I get almost nothing.
I still want it! Why not! I think a lot about what I want and what I don’t. Sometimes I might think, “C’mon, Zura, just live comfortably…” But in this whirlwind of thoughts, one tiny, cowardly idea flashes: What if we only live once, and after that, it’s complete darkness and emptiness? What happens then? Why do we sacrifice our lives for something we weren’t even born to do?
You know what I want? I want to spread my wings and get to know the world. I want to manage to do a little bit of everything and give the biggest challenge — “Time” — the middle finger and tell it, “Look, you son of a bitch! I managed to do it!”
I want everything! I want everything that can give my existence meaning, which is why I am and always will be in search of myself. Even now, when I don’t have everything I want, I still enjoy every moment, even if I’m doing nothing, even if I’m in a bad mood. I am happy that I am alive at all and I try to embrace this world as I have it at this stage. But what I want, I never forget. I want to be happy! I want to be healthy! I want love!
An older, wise friend of mine always used to tell me, “Zura, you really do have big ideas, what you say is interesting, but from you, the word always dominates: I want, I want, I want, I want. Well, buddy, if you want something, get your ass up and do it!”
Cheers to the truth!
My father often says: “May God never give you what you don’t want!”
— I don’t know, Dad, maybe my subconscious wants something that I don’t know about, or it hasn’t crossed my mind, I haven’t thought that I want it…
And finally, what the hell do I want?
— You know what? I don’t know exactly yet either… I have to get my ass up, I have to move my ass, though I’m not talking about twerking (I hope).